Who I Am? by Megan Cyrulewski?

Megan Cyrulewski is an ordinary person who has faced extraordinary challenges and now wants to inspire people and show them that hope gives them the power to survive anything. Who Am I? is about her journey into post-partum depression, anxiety disorder, panic attacks, visits to the psych ward, divorce, domestic violence, law school, and her courageous struggle to survive with her sanity intact—and how a beautiful little girl emerged from all this chaos.

Excerpt from Chapter One of Who Am I?

Chapter One:  Ahhh…Young Love

Envy. There is a reason why it’s one of the seven deadly sins. It can kill you. It almost killed me.

The summer of 2004, I was 26 and just got out of a long-term relationship. Good man, he just wasn’t the right man for me.

I had just found out that my old college roommate had recently gotten engaged. The two of us were always “competing” during college: who was skinnier, who can pick up the most guys at the bar. Stupid girl stuff. Other friends of mine were either married or having babies. I think the last straw was finding out my high school sweetheart had gotten engaged. Somewhere in fantasyland, I always thought it was possible we might get back together. Needless to say, I was definitely envious.

That summer, my roommate, Jessica, bought a house. At the time we were sharing an apartment, but she asked if I wanted to move into her house. Jessica and I had known each other since high school and she was the best roommate, and one of the best friends, I have ever had. Without hesitation, I agreed. A month after moving in, we had a house warming party. That’s when I met Tyler*.

I knew Tyler slightly because he was engaged to one of Jessica’s friends, Natalie. Tyler and Natalie and been together for about three years. They had even come to a couple of parties Jessica and I had thrown at our apartment.  I had never really talked to him, though. Tyler and Natalie had broken up around the same time I had broken up with my-long term man.

Jessica didn't want to invite Tyler because she didn't want any tension between him and Natalie. A few days before the party, though, we found out Natalie was going to be out of town. Coincidentally, Tyler stopped by that same night to give something of Natalie’s to Jessica. That was the first time I had really looked at him and I liked what I saw: good-looking, goofy smile, and deep-blue eyes. The attraction was instantaneous. So, I decided to invite him to the house-warming party. Why the hell not? Natalie wasn't going to be there. After getting the eyes of death from Jessica, she reluctantly told him the day and time.

The night of the party, Tyler knocked on the door. When I opened it, I gave him a hug and told him I was glad he was there because at least I had someone to flirt with. I didn't really pay attention to him too much during the party.  But after everyone had left, he and I ended up talking until five in the morning.

A couple of nights later, we went on our first date. We went to dinner and then back to his house to watch a movie. We were very open with each other. I told him about my anxiety disorder, he told me about his drug addiction and how he had been clean for years. Five months later, I moved in with him, four months after that we got engaged and a year later, we were married. Needless to say, the relationship was on overdrive from the beginning.

The relationship wasn't perfect, but whose is? Tyler didn't like his current job and was looking for a new one.  Tyler was trying to quit smoking because he knew I didn't like it. Tyler was a recovering addict and going to NA meetings. It’s a stressful time. That became my mantra. Tyler got angry. “It’s a stressful time.” Tyler screamed at me. “It’s a stressful time.”

I was an independent woman in my mid-twenties, in a stable job making $55,000 and climbing up the corporate ladder. I understood stress. I was also in complete denial. This was the beginnings of what I would later understand was a domestic violence relationship and a relationship with someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). There were the signs of these disorders, of course, but I didn't recognize them at the time.

My paternal family is 100% Polish. In my grandmother’s generation, girls were expected to get married and have babies. A lot of babies. My grandmother was one of six children. After I graduated from high school, on Christmas Eve, my grandmother would pray that the next year I would get married and start a family. I always smiled and told her maybe. I loved my grandmother very much. She was the only grandparent I had ever known.

After Tyler and I got engaged, we went to my grandmother’s house to tell her the news she had been waiting for. When we told her, she stood up, pushed me aside, hugged Tyler and said, “God bless you.” The memory still makes me smile. Three months later, she had a stroke. In February 2006, seven months before the wedding, my grandmother passed away. Devastation doesn't even coming close to how I felt. I called in to work, stayed in bed and cried for two days.

The night of the funeral, my dad's company catered dinner at my parent’s house for our family. On the way to their house, I noticed that the car was low on gas. I stopped at a gas station and asked Tyler if he could pump the gas. Tyler was on the phone and told me to pump the gas myself. We were only two miles from my parents’ house. I was still upset and crying from the funeral. I asked him again to please just pump the gas. He didn't even bother to answer me. I got out of the car and pumped the gas myself. When I got back into the car, I told Tyler that I was upset and a little angry. What happened next was my first glimpse into the emotional abusive side of domestic violence.

“You are such a spoiled little bitch who expects the world to be handed to you,” Tyler screamed at me. “Turn the fucking car around.”

Not saying a word, I turned the car around and headed back home to drop off Tyler, who kept spewing vile words.

“You and your family think you're so much better than me. Did daddy pump your gas for you all the time? Well guess what? You actually have to do things yourself now. It’s time for you to grow up and live in the real world.”

Tears streamed from my eyes. I still had not said a word.

“Your grandmother probably killed herself because she didn't want to deal with you anymore. She probably got tired of your spoiled behavior and decided death was better than you. I’m glad I’m going home because I don't want to watch your fucking family cry all night.”

When we got back home, I parked in the driveway and finally let loose.

“How dare you!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. “I just lost my grandmother! Get out of my car! Get out!”

Tyler started laughing. “Look at you. You're a joke. You should get some help for those anger issues of yours. Don't bother coming back, bitch. Your shit will be on the curb.”

I left and went to my parents’ house. When my dad asked about Tyler, I said we got into an argument and he’s at home. My dad, who is the family peacemaker and almost never says anything negative said under his breath, “What a night for him to pick a fight.”

About an hour into dinner, Tyler called me. He said he wanted to come over and apologize. At this point, I was so emotionally drained I really didn't care. When he arrived, he waltzed right into the house like nothing had ever happened. He pulled me aside and told me that he blew up because he was under so much stress from taking care of me the last couple of days. Looking back at the moment, I wonder how he even had the audacity to blame my grandmother’s death for his behavior. At the time, I was just glad he wasn't mad anymore.

The next couple of months were calm. No arguments and Tyler and I were having fun planning the wedding. Obviously, the argument the night of my grandmother’s funeral was a result of stress. We got through it and according to Tyler, it wouldn't happen again.

Early June 2006, I was in bed reading and waiting for Tyler to come home from a Narcotics Anonymous (NA) meeting. When he got home, he came upstairs and walked toward the bed. He stopped and asked if I smelled anything.

“No,” I said, a little confused.

“It smells like cat piss.” (We had a cat that sometimes urinated outside the litter box.)

Tyler looked around the room and picked up a bed pillow off the floor. He smelled it.

“She pissed on this pillow.”

I laughed. “It’s sad when the pillow is right next to me and I can't smell the pee.”

Tyler didn’t laugh. “Clean it up.”

“I'll put it in the wash tomorrow. Just throw it in the basement.”

Tyler picked up the pillow. “Bitch. You waited until I came home because you knew I would fucking clean it.” He ripped the book I was reading right out of my hands and threw it across the room. “Get off your fat lazy ass, get some paper towels  and clean it!”

I started to shake. The monster had emerged again.  I couldn't say anything. Tyler picked up the pillow and shoved it in my face.

“Smell it!” He screamed. “Can you smell it now, bitch? Now your face smells like cat piss. You’re disgusting. Who would want you anyway?”

Tyler threw the pillow back on the floor and stormed downstairs. I just sat in bed, paralyzed from fear. I couldn't think. I couldn't speak. I couldn't even cry.

I don't know how much time had passed before Tyler came back. Without saying a word, he picked up two water bottles I had sitting on the nightstand beside me, unscrewed the tops, and poured water on me. He laughed and went back downstairs.

I took off my pajamas, turned out the light and rolled to the dry side of the bed. Before long, I heard Tyler come up the stairs again. I began to shake. He ripped the covers off of me.

“You would sleep in a wet bed. I should have poured cat piss on you and let you sleep in that,” he laughed. “Get out of my fucking bed and sleep outside.”

I got out of bed and put on dry pajamas. I took off my engagement ring, threw it on the bed and left. I went to Jessica’s house and asked if I could spend the night. I didn't talk about what happened. I just told her that the engagement was off and I just needed to sleep. Jessica never asked any questions and I love her for that.

Before long, my phone rang and it was Tyler. He asked me to come back home. I was hesitant, but he convinced me to come back home and talk. I left Jessica a note and went back home.

When I got home, Tyler was sitting on the couch. “I’m going to get a six-pack of beer, drink it and kill myself.”

Shocked, I sat down next to him. “Do you want me to call someone? Should I call your sponsor? I don’t know what to do.”

Tyler kept repeating. “I’m going to kill myself.” He was crying, but there weren't any tears.

I hugged him. “We'll get through this. We’ll get help. Please don't kill yourself. I love you too much.”

“Thank you,” Tyler smiled. And just like that, he got up, told me he loved me, and went to bed.

Looking back, I now realize that this was Tyler’s way of manipulation. Tyler knew he let his anger get out of control, to the point that I walked away. To get me back, he subtly blamed me for what happened by alluding that he was going to commit suicide. At the time, I felt guilty for not cleaning the damn pillow. If I had cleaned that pillow, this never would have happened. I promised myself to be more careful in the future.

The next morning, my engagement ring was on my nightstand.**

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AUTHOR BIO

Megan Cyrulewski has been writing short stories ever since she was ten-years-old.  Eventually she settled into a career in the non-profit sector and then went back to school to get her law degree.  While she was in school, she documented her divorce and child custody battle in her memoir, Who Am I? How My Daughter Taught Me to Let Go and Live Again, which was released on August 2, 2014.  Megan lives in Michigan with her 3-year-old daughter who loves to dance, run, read, and snuggle time with Mommy.  Megan also enjoys her volunteer work with Troy Youth Assistance as the Fundraising Chair on the Board of Directors.

What Oprah Knows For Sure

My personal journal nor this blog has yet to be a place where I can unload about the saddening event that took place on September 6th. It’s all so fresh that I haven't the words to put both my thoughts and the circumstances together. Conversely, to find the purpose in it (that‘s God‘s thing). Or cope with the truth that it was unavoidable. Personal guilt is somewhere stained in the equation also, though divinely speaking it‘s considered too toxic to muddle over. Nonetheless, the grief involved is real, just as the insurmountable faith I have that all is happening for a higher good. 

Understandably, much of what I just wrote may be vague and opaque to some, so one day I'll be able to share it properly.

The fact is that after a slow week filled with roaming thoughts and bouts of sorrow, I turned to Oprah Winfrey's recently released What I Know for Sure for comfort. I didn't pick it up to cope per se, as that’s something that takes time and time alone. No substitutes. Nonetheless, I picked the book up to re-energize my spirit as I coped. To not go too deep into the darkness, and to understand that I still have a responsibility to myself (and the one that’s gone but not gone), to keep showing up to Life.

What I Know for Sure is a collection of Oprah’s revelations regarding Life and living within it. It shares the mistakes she’s made, the lessons she’s learned, and the Truths she’s kept. All the essays were previously published in O, The Oprah Magazine.  I just wanted to share a few of my favorite quotes. Or as Oprah calls them, “aha moments."

"You can either waltz boldly onto the stage of life and live the way you know your spirit is nudging you to, or you can sit quietly by the wall, receding into the shadows of fear and self-doubt."

This is what I mean by showing up to Life.  You may not waltz boldly into it, but dammit, you got to at least be there and out of the shadows.  Maybe sticking out a foot is all you need to get started.  And definitely don't be afraid to try even when you don't have any answers or securities.  Matter-of-fact, forget those things.  Have faith that they'll come to you as you dance.  Because they will.

"Like me, you might have experienced things that caused you to deem yourself unworthy.  I know for sure that healing the wounds of the past is one of the biggest and most worthwhile challenges of life.  It's important to know when and how you were programmed, so you can change the program.  And doing so is your responsibility, no one else's.  There is one irrefutable law of the universe: We are each responsible for our own life."

While I understand that I still have childhood (and so forth) imprints and issues that require a level of therapeutic and spiritual healing (as you can see, I'm working on the spiritual part), the older I get the more I understand that I can't blame my past for my current being. It really just gets exhausting after so long, thinking about the things my mother and father did or did not do that I feel would've made things easy for me now. Or relate those incidents to how I would be in a better place currently. They are tired and useless thoughts, and they won't necessarily go away. However, what they have done is encourage me to take control–as much as possible–of my life.

Recently, my mom and I were leaving the mall. I brought up a broccoli, rice and cheese casserole recipe I found online, and how I made the dish twice in the past two months and enjoyed it both times. I further mentioned how I try to make large dishes early in the week, so that I can have something to eat off of throughout each day. This keeps me from spending money eating out after I leave work in the afternoon, as I find it comforting to know that ready-made food is in the house and ready to be devoured.  Her reply was the equivalent of how smart of an idea that is. Then she added how my sister frequently complains that she never has anything to eat, and how it's our mom's fault because she didn't teach us how to cook. I can attest that while that is more or less truth, I recall that I got cooking pointers a lot less often than my sister. But that's my point; I looked at my situation and took responsibility for it. If I wanted to eat and save money from dining out, I had to find a way to do so.  Blaming someone else for otherwise never even crossed my mind.

"One of my greatest lessons has been to fully understand that what looks like a dark patch in the quest for success is the universe pointing you in a new direction.  Anything can be a miracle, a blessing, an opportunity if you choose to see it that way.  Had I not been demoted from my six o'clock anchor post in Baltimore back in 1977, the talk show gig would never have happened when it did."

I don't lie when I say that the message behind this quote is one that I'm still working on. I believe I'm a lot closer to its realization than the lost and frustrated person I once was. Nonetheless, it's still something I'm working with. The truth is that I grasp the occasional moments of clarity where I feel the universe at work. Sometimes they're obvious moments, sometimes they're so subtle that I don't comprehend what happens until after the fact. Even so, between all of those moments are the moments where I feel like I'm just floating and alone in uncertainty. However, what I've learned is whenever I feel like the universe has abandoned me, I take myself back to gratitude. You absolutely cannot miss your miracles and blessings when you sit back and recall what's there to be thankful for. As well as how gratitude always brings you more to be grateful for.

"Talking with thousands of people over the years has shown me that there's one desire we all share: We want to feel valued.  Whether you're a mother in Topeka or a businesswoman in Philadelphia, each of us, at our core, longs to be loved, needed, understood, affirmed–to have intimate connections that leave us feeling more alive and human."

True enough, right?  No further discussion necessary other than I believe in this, and like thousands, long for the same.

"... The job that you admit makes you miserable demands so much of your time.  But what happens when you work hard at something unfulfilling?  It drains your spirit.  It robs you of your life force.  You end up depleted, depressed, and angry."

"I've learned that the more stressful and chaotic things are on the outside, the calmer you need to get on the inside.  It's the only way you can connect with where your spirit is leading you."

All of this I've known since I started my first paying job at 18. It was fast food. It was slinging fried chicken. For three years I screamed for release–for change. I knew that if I wanted money, I had to be there to earn a check. So I worked, and always harder than I should (I attributed that to my upbringing). When it comes to how jobs ("just over broke") make me feel disconnected and sometimes sick to my stomach, nothing has changed from then and now. Sure, I've learned to handle my inner self a little better. Sometimes putting myself damn near catatonic during the middle of a shift. It's a way for me to slip out of the place and into my head and where I will to be. Often I sing out loud, which usually comes out as noise used to depressurize the anxiety that builds in my chest. Still, it's partly no different than a tiger trapped in a cage, enclosed from his nature and natural instinct to be free at doing what he wills. Nonetheless, my point is that I relate and identify with Oprah's words here. I should, considering I've lived and fought my way through them long enough. Nevertheless, to me, the fact that I can write all of this down–in this moment–is a means of me listening to my inner calmness and not the chaos.  Therefore, I am guided slowly... from my cage.

"Move in the direction of your goal with all the force and verve you can muster–and then let go, releasing your plan to the Power that's bigger than yourself and allowing your dream to unfold as its own masterpiece.  Dream big–very big.  Work hard–very hard.  And after you've done all you can, fully surrender to the Power."

I think I'll leave this post on this quote–though there are plenty more to share.  Nevertheless, it's that "surrender" that took me from where I was two years ago to this point.  And the thought of it was motivated by this inspirational video I came across during that period.  I won't speak to much on it.  You'll just have to watch it for yourself and let it lift your spirit just as it did mine.

Beginning to End with Ms. Josephine

"Can you trust God for all things in every area of your life?  Have you ever been faced with life-threatening situations in your marriage, that made you want to give up on God, but he allowed you to be stable, keeping you still in order to see the salvation of the Lord in your flesh, mind and resources, etc.  Psalms 46:10a, 'Be still and know that I am God.'

Have you ever seen God transform the Natural into the Super-Natural?  From the beginning to the end.  When your mother tells you are not able to have children because of your unproductive organs, no menstrual period, no nothing.  Then you meet your husband that tells you all things are possible if ye only believe.  Later on God blesses you and your husband with two lovely daughters, when doctors said live with the fact you will never have children."

~Taken from From the Beginning to the End

This is a special, special post on a book by a woman I know personally.  Her name is Josephine Brooks-Clark, but we just call her Ms. Josephine!  Anyway, over a year ago she told me that she was working on writing and publishing a book inspired by her life with her passed husband.  She used to tell me that she had the necessary files and was ready to go to work!  Needless to say, I was ecstatic and encouraged by her; always inspired by people who make energizing commitments to share a part of themselves for the betterment of others.  And that’s precisely what Ms. Josephine did in her debut memoir, From the Beginning to the End, published by ABM Publications.

With a couple of hash browns and a cup of coffee, I sat down one morning to read Ms. Josephine’s book.  I didn't find myself out of bed until all 84 pages were read.  So I sat, fully grasped by her story outside of our old conversations.  From the Beginning to the End is a very personal memoir, so personal that I had to reach out to Ms. Josephine to bring her to Comic Towel to talk about her book first-hand.  Follow my questions and her response (in bold lettering) below...

1.  From The Beginning to the End opens with a testimony from yourself regarding your personal story.  So how did you decide where to start your story specifically?  As well as where to end it?

From the Beginning to the End starts with my testimony. How I got started? One day I was dealing with so many things going on in my life.  So while lying in bed, it came to me to start my life story of all I was going through. I was only 34 [at the time] and life began to make a turn from the good to the worst.  

I decided to end it [the book] after the death of my husband.  All that I was going through with sickness after sickness had [finally] ended. Thank God.

2.  I could only imagine how you dealt with some of the actual events and details you shared within your story–as they were happening in your life.  If you had to choose, what was probably the hardest detail to share with readers regarding your life?  And why was it hard to share?

The hardest part to share with my readers is when we were robbed.  THIS IS A STICK-UP [Chapter 4].  It was hard because every time I begin to speak of that situation, it bring tears to my eyes to see my hubby tied up in a knot and my two girls with a gun at their head.

3.  Could you offer any advice to someone who desires to share their personal story, such as yourself?  Does emotional distance take part in the writing process?

First I would say let fear of the unknown go, meaning fear of sharing your life because of friends that may read your story and criticize you.  I felt that if I shared my story, someone will be blessed to know that they can make it through the hard times. It is love that kept us together [her husband and herself] and my vows that I made to God and Man. In Sickness or Health, Richer or Poor, and for Better or for Worse.  

No, emotional distance has nothing to do with writing. When I left Alabama, it gave me the peace and quietness I needed to concentrate on writing.  This book was completed years ago, but fear of the unknown kept me from getting published.  

4.  If there is one thing you would wish to communicate and inspire into those who've read your book, what would that be?

I would like to impart that the beginning of a new thing shall come your way. Every door that has been closed unto you shall be opened, and every crooked path shall be made straight.  September and October are the months of increase, so don't put off today for tomorrow.

5.  Now that your book has been released, where do you plan to go from here?  Are there more books at work?

Since my first book has been released, my plans are to take a portion of my funds to feed the less fortunate. And yes, there are other books being published.

1. Seven Steps to Empower your Faith. 

2. The Seed of a Woman (both natural and spiritual)

3. Why Hurting People Hurt Others.

4. Never Underestimate the Power of a Woman

Thank you so, so much Ms. Josephine for sharing your story and giving me the opportunity to help share it with others.  

You can grab your copy of Ms. Josphine's book, From the Beginning to the End. 

Go Be Great Without Apologizing

Worth repeating, right!  It's all misconception in the end.  So why not continue to just be yourself and let people think what they want. 

7 Ginger Thoughts on Self-Respect

So do you walk on eggshells around certain people? Constricted with the realization that one day they’re going to take the tiniest bit of your word choice and deconstruct it into something personal? Sort of like that Mexican expression “searching for tits on an ant”? Or the equally philosophical expression of “creating mountains out of molehills”? Well, I just want to share a few thoughts I've come to realize concerning this topic and the power of self-respect. I hope they all relate, but if not, they'll find the right cord with the right person. I refer to them as ginger tips because I always sip ginger tea or suck on ginger candy to treat an upset stomach. Take that as you will.

1. Be mindful of people who don't pay attention to what you say the first time, nor follow up with concrete questions. They're probably giving themselves room to misinterpret you in the future. And if that’s the case, don't wail back. Instead, be prepared to walk away from their game.

2. Always continue to be kind and considerate of other people’s time, even when someone didn’t feel the need to be considerate and understanding of yours. It may seem like a burn after you've taken someone’s time into consideration and they've used it against you, but it isn‘t. You learn from the respite how to strengthen yourself.

3. You don't have to accept every offer thrown your way–despite what people say. We're all carrying a load toward our destination, and many of us can’t stop to add more until we drop off some of what we already have. Therefore, some things are better left as a blessing for others as you prepare to take your next step. Besides, there’s an opportunity up ahead that someone else left behind that’s perfect for your relief!

4. Don't let anyone tell you what God should be to you, as well as what God is or isn't doing to better your life. Just as you are the pioneer of your spiritual path, only you know what you pray about before bed each night.  As well, only you wake up to greet God in the morning refreshed and ready to try again.

5. Someone took your thoughtfulness and twisted it into something personal? Try to stay kind, but remain silent. Do this the first time your kindness and intent are misconstrued, and do not ravel in trying to fix it the second time. Eventually, you'll move on and the recipient will mull over the message and why you didn't give them more to misconstrue. Silence really is golden.

6. Don't fall into the mental beliefs and traps of others. Instead, be constructive in releasing yourself from your own. You are your own guru. Don't count on someone willing to make you feel guilty for not applying their beliefs into yours.

7. You are not always going to be understood–and that’s okay. Be proud that you made the decision to speak!

And there you have it!  I got some things off my own chest and hope that they've inspired you.  I tried not to sound all folksy, but that's just the way it came out.  Nevertheless, be encouraged.  

(1) Quotes You May Need From Maya Angelou

Dr. Maya Angelou is undoubtedly powerful and influential with her words, and thankfully she doesn't come off as too much of a lyrical enigma of sorts.  I say this especially if you can capture the meaning behind her assorted catalog of material.  Still, in that respect, she is like the woman (or even mentor) that I probably needed closely in my youth.  Nevertheless, it takes me a couple of careful readings to grasp the meaning behind her poems, quotes and what have you in between.  Sometimes I find what I am looking for when I seek some advice to calm my over thinking spirit.  Then there are moments where I am attached simply to her story, as discovered after I read I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings years ago.  Nevertheless, Wouldn’t Take Nothing For My Journey Now was read for answers; for some words I could use at this moment to help clear a couple of clouds or phantom feelings of inertia.

Quotes you may need from Maya Angelou’s Wouldn’t Take Nothing For My Journey Now...

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"Human beings are more alike than unalike, and what is true anywhere is true everywhere, yet I encourage travel to as many destinations as possible for the sake of education as well as pleasure."

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This quote very much resonates with me.  As someone who tends to feel swallowed up by his current surroundings/location, nothing screams more to my spirit than to be successful enough to have the freedom to choose where I want to go and expose myself to cultures I feel my spirit needs to "download" through hands-on experience.  See, I get a lot of puzzled gazes from people when I express how I wish to clap twice before bowing my head in a Japanese Shinto shrine, or sun-soak near travertine ponds in China--among other things.  Those puzzled gazes then ask why would I want to go visit those countries and do those things.  I tell them because I feel like I can express and be myself in unlimited places.

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"I like charitable people and like to think of myself as charitable, as being of a generous heart and a giving nature--of being a friend indeed to anyone in need.  Why, I ponder, did the benefactors not feel as I?"

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Like any quote, there are ways to reflect the author’s message onto our personal lives.  This quote in particularly caused me to recall the many occasions in which I’ve done something charitable for a friend simply as a friend.  Never asking for anything in return.  Only acting as a support system to their needs--and sometimes--requests.  The problem with that is sometimes those situations become one-sided, which would be okay if we all weren’t human and would sometimes like to have someone think of us out of common civility.  I experience this often with friends.  Playing the role of support for other individuals but sometimes finding myself disregarded or taken for granted because of that position I took.

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"Each of us has the right and the responsibility to assess the roads which lie ahead, and those over which we have traveled, and if the future road looms ominous or unpromising, and the roads back uninviting, then we need to gather our resolve and, carrying only the necessary baggage, step off that road into another direction.  If the new choice is also unpalatable, without embarrassment, we must be ready to change that as well."

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This quote is probably my favorite, taken from Angelou's essay titled, "New Directions".  The essay shares the story of Annie Johnson, a woman during the early 20th century who found herself an entrepreneur after marital discontent, followed by the divorcing of her husband.  Nevertheless, the message of the quote sung so clearly to me, but can appear pretty self-explanatory if not relative to the individual who finds his or her own meaning within it.  For me, it asks me to keep moving forward, boldly and anxious for whatever the future brings even if I have to drop some things (or people) off to reach what I feel is the right path.  I have to take control of this thing called life, and its many directions.  I would like to elaborate a little more, but will stop here.

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"Never try to take the manners of another as your own, for the theft will be immediately evident and the thief will appear as ridiculous as a robin with peacock feathers hastily stuck on.  Style is as unique and nontransferable and perfectly personal as a fingerprint.  It is wise to take the time to develop one's own way of being, increasing those things one does well and eliminating the elements in one's character which can hinder and diminish the good personality."

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I suppose at one point we've all been known to "bite someone's flavor" without understanding that we should shine and uphold our own.  Whether it's conscious or subconsciously done, it just seems a part of life.  Especially in adolescence.  Still, I think there comes a time when you have to play up on your own, personal strengths; likewise, become accountable for your weaknesses and the consequences they bring.  And if all else fails, we can try to remember that what we put out we get back.  If being yourself consist of you brightening up someone else's day with a smile, you'll get that back.  Should you wallow in misery, that, too, is all you'll get.  So many directions.  So much potential for over-thinking.

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"It is this belief in a power larger than myself and other than myself which allows me to venture into the unknown and even the unknowable.  I cannot separate what I conceive as Spirit from my concept of God.  Thus, I believe that God is Spirit."

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I'll be simple and quick with this semi-loaded quote.  It can go in so many directions that I don't care to go to.  I am not religious, or at least fashioned underneath the banner of "organized religion".  However, I believe in God.  Call it God, Universe, etc.  It doesn't matter.  To each his own.  As for me, God is a force that consist of love inside other matters that are complex and unreachable in human form.  To me, God is not this humanized persona many religions stack upon.  Nonetheless, I would be a fool to believe that I can traverse this world without a belief in God.  I'm scared of anyone who is able to move through this earth without such to ground them.  That's why I like this quote.  I also must trust that there is a power larger than me that can push me through the unknown that makes up being alive and uncertain about my existence/purpose.

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"Seek the fashion which truly fits and befits you.  You will always be in fashion if you are true to yourself, and only if you are true to yourself."

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I am far from being a fashionista or even fashionably conscious.  That's not to say that I have split the link between what I wear and what kind of attention it will attract, as well as how I feel in it.  I still strive to look relatively good and decent, checking the mirror and changing tops and bottoms seconds before I leave the house.  However, one thing is true about me: I don't try to keep up with what is "in".  I like my scruffy slip-in shoes.  I wear t-shirts years old.  And I have several comfortable pairs of jeans stashed in my clothest because I'm too lazy to make room for new ones.  My clothes and shoes aren't big name brands.  Never had a pair of Jordans in my life that didn't come second-hand and out of fashion from a cousin.  I shop at Target and, if I'm out accompanying a friend, Ross.  I like to spend less than $50 on clothes, but I took advantage during H&M's After-Christmas sale where I got $10 off a $20 purchase.  So it's nice to have two really cool t-shirts for the price of one, but the fact is that I rather spend my money at Barnes & Nobles as opposed to Footlocker.  And I'm okay with that.  That's being true to myself.

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"One day the teacher, Frederick Wilkerson asked me to read to him.  I was twenty-four, very erudite, very worldly.  He asked that I read from Lessons in Truth, a section which ended with these words:  'God loves me.'  I read the piece and closed the book, and the teacher said, 'Read it again.'  I pointedly opened the book, and I sarcastically read, 'God loves me.'  He said, 'Again.'  After about the seventh repetition I began to sense that there might be truth in the statement, that there was a possibility that God really did love me.  Me, Maya Angelou.  I suddenly began to cry at the grandness of it all.  I knew that if God loved me, then I could do wonderful things, I could try great things, learn anything, achieve anything.  For what could stand against me with God, since one person, any person with God, constitutes the majority?" 

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I related to this passage and wanted to share it.  I had a similar experience once at work.  On two occasions I found myself frustrated, wrapped in my dreams and stuck hauling trash to the dumpster and sweeping the parking lot clean.  On the first occasions I was sweeping away when a voice inside me said: "I am here.  You are not alone."  The second time I was wheeling away trash when a voice said: "God wants you to be happy".  There was this undeniable Truth in both occasions that I exploded into gleeful laughter.  I realized how right the voices were.  It was only I resisting those Truths by clouding my mind with my current situation.

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"There are many incidents which can eviscerate the stalwart and bring the mighty down.  In order to survive, the ample soul needs refreshments and reminders daily of its right to be and to be wherever it finds itself."

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This quote is taken from the essay titled, "Further New Directions".  It's here that Maya Angelou share details during her teen years, where she was fired from a job.  Sadden by the incident, her mother encouraged her by reminding her that she will look for another job and survive again should something happen to that one.  What I like most about this quote is the use of the terms "refreshments" and "reminders".  Sometimes, alone, I am not enough to lift my spirits when they are down.  At least my thinking can't remove itself from troubling and anxious thoughts.  That's when I have to surround myself with things that refresh and remind me of how I want to think/feel.  Whether I play a Louise Hay audio book, watch a TV show that inspired me as a youth, or simply come onto the blog, I use those things to pull myself out of muddy thoughts so that I can proceed to survive and move forward.  Truth be told, we need everything we can get to survive when we began to attack ourselves.

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Finishing up in the second part...

Tao and Satisfaction

I’m pretty sure we all believed or have stated that we don’t ask for much from people and life; whether that‘s outwardly true it's what we inwardly believe.  We attempt to be comfortable in our given--or created--situations.  We focus and strive for the biggest, most desired bit of transformation that we feel is required to bloom order and fulfillment into our lives.  We think that maybe if we get that one thing to happen, everything else will fall into place.  Or maybe those other annoyances concerning life wouldn't matter; fading away as we travel through our passions and destinies toward greatness   So when we've obtained our “big picture”, lying comfortably within it, where do we go from there?  And what is it about wanting more after receiving?

As I've read the third verse/chapter of the Tao through Dyer’s book and Derek Lin’s translation, I come to realize that learning how to be satisfied with life’s little unfoldings might be more of a fantasy than reality.  Like many, I've been condition to want so badly that I don’t believe it is even possible for me to reach such a level of content.  A level so strong that it blocks out all of my egocentric-driven desires.  See, I’m not sure where and when it happened, but life always just feels like a fight.  Like everybody else, I’m constantly contending with deep levels of inner habituations and outer influences.  So what am I (or we) left with when we travel through the two different verses of the Tao’s third verse/chapter translation?  Verses that ask us to let down our guard and relax ourselves on this plane by being auto-piloted by our spirits.  As always, let’s look at Dyer’s version then Lin’s.

Dyer’s translation reads as:

Putting a value on status

Will create contentiousness.

If you overvalue possessions,

People begin to steal.

By not displaying what is desirable, you will

Cause the people’s hearts to remain undisturbed.

The sage governs

By emptying minds and hearts,

By weakening ambitions and strengthening bones.

Practice not doing…

When action is pure and selfless,

Everything settles into its own perfect place.

And Lin’s reads:

Do not glorify the achievers

So the people will not squabble

Do not treasure goods that are hard to obtain

So the people will not become thieves

Do not show the desired things

So their hearts will not be confused

Thus the governance of the sage:

Empties their hearts

Fills their bellies

Weakens their ambitions

Strengthens their bones

Let the people have no cunning and no greed

So those who scheme will not dare to meddle

Act without contrivance

And nothing will be beyond control

As always, I connect with Lin’s version better.  Yet, I always read his like poetry while in need of Dyer’s interpretation to sort of reorient any of my thoughts.  Nevertheless, I think at its basis, this verse/chapter is simple and clear:  let life do the heavy lifting and just show gratitude for what is as is unfolds into the purist form of your desires.  If you can’t accept things as they are and be appreciative, then you’ll always be in want of something.  Nevertheless, as I mentioned, it would take me tons of work to get pass my ego in order to reach such a state.  However, in many ways it really comes down to a single conscious thought for promoting inner change.  That nugget of information is there--it's with you now.  Depending on how persistent you are for change, you'll always have access to it.  So if you can at least program yourself (unless or until it comes unconsciously) to recognize situations that ask you to allow life to be, then you can make the conscious decision to do so when said situation arises.  That's a good place to start in my opinion.  It's an idea that helps many people who are just starting on spiritual paths or paths for change.  Because think about it, at one point you didn't have the tools necessary to change.  You were just bumbling about.  So maybe that'll be enough for now.  Recognizing the opportunities to step back and let life do the heavy lifting.

Sources

Dyer, Wayne W. Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao. Carlsbad, CA: Hay House, 2007.

Lin, Derek.  “Accurate Translation of the Tao Te Ching.” Accurate Translation of the Tao Te Ching. N.p. <http://www.taoism.net/ttc/complete.htm>.