John W. James and Russel Friedman’s The Grief Recovery Handbook came into my reading life via some conspicuous means a few years ago. There’s a story behind all that–as you’ve probably picked up. However, I hardly care to revisit that time and how this book came into my sphere of thought. Though I am grateful that it has. Even so, I’ve held on to this practical book for the past three years as a precaution; a “just in case” prep tool.
Sadly, that day has arrived and I found myself pulling this off my shelf to finally (and timely) seek answers through it to find some relief from some of the grief I have been going through. Now we all know grief works, progresses and operates on its own time and differently within each individual. But all the same, with that in mind, I wanted to share some of the quotes that really resonated with me in this book that helped me make sense of my own grief these past two months.
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The first one is simply how the authors defined grief as “the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior.” Of course, your and everyone else's definitions may vary. However, I appreciate simply seeing theirs in plain, practical terms. As this is exactly what I've felt personally. And this "conflicting feelings" brews one of the most bizarre, out-of-body experiences I've ever felt. Empty and confused.
“Since most of us have been socialized to attempt to resolve all issues with our intellect, grief remains a huge problem." This, to me, is where you find yourself in a space where you know you can only go through grief and its internal/external manifestations. It's not something you can get around or under. You can only go through it. There is no definitive resolve to it.
However, “recovery means feeling better. Recovery means claiming your circumstances instead of your circumstances claiming you and your happiness. Recovery is finding new meaning for living, without the fear of being hurt again.” This is where the battle takes place day after day. I’ve spent the last month reasoning with myself during the grieving process. Intentionally making thought points that are healthy and progressive about my loss, instead of speaking too deeply into the bleakness grief harbors within oneself. Some days you can become aware of how susceptible you've fallen or bound to fall into the bleakness of your grief. As well as how capable you are at managing your grief while keeping yourself connected to life. Some days are good. Some bad. Some hours are decent. Some not so much. But the goal is to feel what you feel and claim it. Then invite yourself to see sunlight at the end of moments of sadness.
Most importantly, you have to give yourself the time and space to feel, think, and move between and beyond grief. It's not something you can simply cut out of you, though it feels as if you can. I remember expressing to someone how grief goes beyond just emotional. It hits you spiritually. Mentally. And even physically. It'll always be there in some way, we just have to go through and manage it one step at a time. (Side note: Lately, I've given myself permission to eat out and buy donuts a lot more. I'll chill out on that soon, though.)
“The death of a loved one produces emotions that can be described as the feeling of reaching out for someone who has always been there, only to find that when we need them one more time, they are no longer there.” What I’ve learned about this quote and grief is that if you lose someone a year or two years ago/later, you can never be prepared for the loss regardless of time. Time is almost irrelevant when not factored with the living in mind. So even if you need someone you loss one more second, minute, or year time only matters when he/she was living.
“Grieving people want and need to be heard, not fixed.” Many times society teaches us to stuff our grief away from others. To isolate ourselves. Therefore, often when we share our grief with others, we are met with responses akin to someone attempting to “fix” or “remove” our grief. In such circumstances, we don’t feel heard when all one needs to do is listen.
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While there are more valuable quotes in this book, I'll leave off here. So glad I held on to this book. I welcome any further thoughts on grief and grieving in the comments section below.
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